I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Randomize
