I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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