i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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