tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
