woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
