Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
