go do what you do best...puke behind churches
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
