she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
