i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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