I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
