Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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