i need an iv and a liver transplant
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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