That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
