guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
