6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Congratulations! We have a period
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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