Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
