Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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