Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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