If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
