dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
