i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
