My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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