I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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