I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
