i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
