sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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