I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
