you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
