Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
