Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
