I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dignity is for republicans.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize