I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
