haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
