I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize