she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
