So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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