in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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