I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
