I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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