rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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