made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
