i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
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