Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
