Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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