I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Girls should come with a carfax report
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
