I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize