Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
