so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
