Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
