i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
