my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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