I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
