I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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