I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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