I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
