dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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