nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I did not marry a roomba.
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