babies were throwing up all over the place
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
