im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
